Find out newly married husband cheats on you....

Posted by dove (144 days ago)

Let's say you have been married for a year and your baby was recently born. One day, you find out that your husband has been cheating on you and he has been seeing another girl even before he married you.

How would you feel and what will you do?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by ribbons (144 days ago)

Yes... I'd say that was a 'normal' response, and one probably that falls under the legal category of 'provocation', though, check first!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chocwafer (144 days ago)

It's pretty obvious that we would feel exactly the way you feel - hurt and betrayed.

As to what to do? Well, I think go to a good divorce lawyer before you speak to him about it (if you haven't already) and find out how much you can take him for. Then go for the max.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by foxmulder (144 days ago)

hmmmmmm.....Ribbons - was your reply in response to a message from p.mason suggesting the use of a pair of bricks? If so, that message has disappeared.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by p.mason (144 days ago)

Fair point, Fox. What did I say? I only mentioned a pair of bricks and a delicate part of someone's anatomy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (144 days ago)

Yes... noticed that. Ed probably should have deleted me too for continuity's sake, or left a blank space for us all to read into whatever our imaginative minds could ponder.

Though chocwafer's suggestion may not inflict as much exquisite pain, it's probably the only way one could go. I mean, it would be next to neigh impossible to contemplate continuing to have a relationship with someone that duplicious.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by foxmulder (143 days ago)

Oh, I would say that some exquisite pain would be entirely appropriate here. But, joking apart, on the face of it, this seems like some pretty reprehensible behaviour. So, of course, anyone in Dove's position would feel so utterly betrayed. Difficult to see how one could simply press "rewind". Now, where did I put those bricks..... ?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dove (143 days ago)

Well, this is actually happening on my girl friend. Her husband asked her to stay for the sake of the baby but she has completely lost her trust on him. She is so confused and doesn't know what to do.
p.s. I know she still loves her husband.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumkin (143 days ago)

Your friend and her baby need to run, not walk, away from this man. Get a lawyer right away. I recommend Sharon Ser. He's not going to stop this behavior. He may just postpone it for a while. She doesn't need her child growing up thinking it's okay to treat a woman this way. Ask your friend this, "If you had a daughter would you want her to be treated this way?". I don't know the sex of the baby, it may be a girl. If it's a boy does she want him to grow up to be just like daddy? This man is despicable, the sooner she leaves the sooner she will see that. Maybe she still loves him or maybe she just loves the idea of having a family and doesn't want to let go of that. It's understandable but she has to let go. No one deserves to live with this kind of emotional abuse.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by dove (143 days ago)

My friend dated this guy for a very short period of time (say half a year) and then they decided to get married. Just don't understand why he married her if he was at the same time seeing another girl. Can't make up his mind or what? Most worst is he doesn't stop seeing that girl even after he is married / after his child is born. Terrible, isn't it?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumkin (143 days ago)

It is terrible dove, my heart goes out to her.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by cara (143 days ago)

my father cheated on my mother from the get go. she was completely unaware of it until about 18 years too late, when she finally decided to leave. she later found out that he had been cheating on her from before i was born.

18 years of her life wasted trying to please someone who didn't want to be pleased at home.

does your friend want to waste her life in a miserable marriage for the sake of the child?

personally, i think that it is far better for the child to have a happy and loved mother divorced from the father, than to grow up believing that this type of behaviour is acceptable. if the mother stays, her self-esteem will plummet. then she will begin to believe that she is unlovable, which is far from the case. it's just that this man can't control himself. she shouldn't punish herself for his misdeeds.

divorce.... NOW!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Gabriella (143 days ago)

I agree with Cara and everyone else who mentioned denting his ....er...manhood.

The thing is there is a baby involved here, if she tolerates this form of abuse - and betrayal / infidelity is abuse - then what is the child going to learn? It's ok to tolerate disrepectful behaviour and suppress your own feelings and self worth so that another can seek gratification. Worse still it's your own father inflicting this upon yor mother - what terrible role models.

She may well love him still, but frankly he doesn't deserve it + there is more than just herself to think about.

There are practicalities with leaving him re: money, housing etc. So before doing anything she should sit down and work out exactly what she needs then sit with the lawyer then take care of business.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (143 days ago)

Totally agree. One can fall in love, but it is sensible to realise when those feelings will turn you inside out, and leave you too vulnerable.

Love is an invitation one either accepts or declines. It's so hard, but one must not fall in love with disaster. I know that sounds unromantic, but love can bring the worst pains imaginable as well as the sweetest. I would advise someone never to marry someone they didn't love, but not to marry someone just because they love them. Here, the girl's feelings are her worst enemy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by foxmulder (142 days ago)

She is in love with an illusion. She loves the man she thought he was. But he isn't.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (142 days ago)

not to mention the fact that he is not grovelling and apologising... he hasn't admitted to doing anything wrong. he merely thinks they should stay together for the child...

he doesn't seem remotely remorseful.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (142 days ago)

yes... completely undeserving of any (misplaced) affection.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by RINZ (141 days ago)

My mom is a very beautiful woman. My dad married her, then had an affair with his secretary. Almost shot my mom with a gun. But my mom loves her 5 children, and sacrifice herself for the sake of us 5. She swear she does not want her children to have divorced or even worse--remarried parents. Meaning have 2 moms and 2 dads. Because she herself has tasted that. Her mom remarried twice! Now 20 years later, my dad became the most lovable and best husband ever! Long after that incident, he decided to come back to the family and throw away that bitch secretary because his eyes are opened and he respected my mom for her strength,dignity and perseverance and how much she loved the children which also his children. He turned back completely to the family and realized his mistake over time. He give ALL he ever has to my mom. Now everything is under my mom's name. From houses, apartments, offices, bank accounts, to cars, everything! And then just some time ago my mom had a stroke and went to hospital, my dad is by her side 24 hours a day and taking care of her, not leaving her. I guess my mom has won the man's heart by showing him that she is a strong and noble woman. She does not take the word divorce so easily, and she has gained the man's respect.

I also had a friend who has a boyfriend in germany, she is in taiwan. She really love her boyfriend, they have been together for four years. Then one day the boy's parent forced them to break up. So the boy leave her. She cries and all tears for 1 year but still wait patiently and not showing the man how sad she is. She keeps looking strong and content although she lost 8kg and being sick and all that stuff, but after 1 year, the boyfriend can see how a strong and dedicated woman she is. He fall for her completely and give her respect. So he decided to be with her no matter what and go forward to his parents and told them to shut up. I want to marry this woman!

From this experiences and my own experience, i realize that a weak-squeaky woman who cries and complains and nag all the time will never win a man's heart and respect. The stronger and content we are, the more respect man will give. The more we nag and cries like a baby, the more man will sprint away as fast as he could as far away from us.

Trust me

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by maxis (140 days ago)

It is not good - cheating. Indication of relationship weakness, personal weakness or combination thereof

But 3 types at least :
A. Affair of the heart (and physical) - systemic
B. Serious error, time of much weakness and low confidence/home issues
C. Drunken "one-off" (physical betrayal, not of heart)

A. is extremely diffiult - trust of heart is very hard to re-gain (but no 100% impossible)
B. complete regret, acknowedgement of error, professional help - may be able to overcome - lots of work required both sides
C. would need to be truley sorry and remorseful, can be overcome with much work

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (140 days ago)

i agree about the playing a victim. however, i do not agree that a woman should put up with what your mother did... that is tantamount to saying that a woman should put up with abuse.

there is NEVER a reason to accept abuse!!!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mumof2boys (137 days ago)

An Affair breaks the one spirit that is formed in a marraige relationship. It literally breaks you inside and to put back together a marraige where there is infidelity is extremely hard work and requires I believe full participation by both parties. without that from the husband, who obviously lacks in the guilt and remorse arena or he would have stopped his affair, I believe it is futile to try to make a marraige work on your own. Marraige is the hardest thing we have to do on this earth and why waste years on someone who doesn't value it? I think affairs cut the heart strings and damage things too much to allow a real trust relationship to ever be there without full brokeness from the guy.
It will never be a maariage, just living in the same home and having sex occasionally and parenting together.......that is not a marraige in my eyes.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (137 days ago)

True... too many people playing 'mums and dads' as if they were in the 'Wendy House' at school... that they could put the dolls and aprons away at the end of the day... Immaturity in grown ups is offensive.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by juliette (136 days ago)

what made your husband decide to marry you? did he propose without any pressure or did you get pregnant before your wedding?
Excuse my bluntness, but why would a man marry someone when he has another relationship?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by adele78 (122 days ago)

Looking for revenge?


Get your hands on some nice strong sedatives and a vial of botox.....slip the sedatives to your darling man and once they've taken effect, pull down his pants and give him a nice dose of botox all around his bum-hole.....

Pull up his pants as if nothing happened and then watch him crap himself constantly for the next 6 months until he gets his muscle control back.


That should about do it!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by wing-on (120 days ago)

>Excuse my bluntness, but why would a man marry someone when he has another relationship?

because he has preconceived ideas about what his wife should be...although he loves the first one she is not marriage material in his eyes or maybe his family's eyes

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by richweddle (116 days ago)

I feel badly for you but I wonder if you and your husband ever connected in the first place because you say he continued seeing a former flame. If he started it up again, what did you contribute to his going outside your marriage and his wrong behaviour? Yes, each party contributes to the mess. Regardless, I think that once two people form a union, in almost all cases, they should stay with their spouse and renew that union regardless of the failure. There is a reason why two people find each other and running from your problems instead of fixing them won't help. The grass is not greener . . . Confront your husband with the knowledge you have of his breach of trust and then the both of you should get help. Try here to begin: marriagefitness.com. It's a non-traditional program I am now completing myself (Home-flex) and have found very effective to restore trust and transform your relationship. Thanks and I wish you well! Rich from Boston.

(I am based in Unspecified)