When to end it

Posted by fed_up (104 days ago)

I have been unhappy in my marriage for a long time. I keep thinking that it will get better but it never does. We don't really do anything together anymore, no intimacy and very little sex etc etc.

I feel like I am the one making all the effort and I get nothing back. I think I have reached my limit and just want to end it but I worry that maybe there is more that could be done.

We have a young child and I am worried about the effect it will have on her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by wing-on (104 days ago)

You have wasted enough of your time and life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (104 days ago)

Have you thought about counselling? Having a third party to whom both of you can talk as a couple, and maybe individually, is worth a shot. It sounds as though you have not given up totally in the marriage, so why not try with some outside help?

It is possible that your spouse is depressed, or has some other mental or physical condition. Have you thought of that possibility, that he or she has a problem or problems that are undiagnosed?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fed_up (104 days ago)

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate the advice

woods99 - I have thought about counselling. I mentioned it last night (although it was after I told my husband that I'd had enough and I was leaving), he said I had made my decision so there was no point discussing it. He just doesn't seem to take any responsibility or make any effort.

I do think he has an undiagnosed problem but he doesn't seem willing to get any help. He did see someone when he was a lot younger (teenager) but he said it was a waste of time. I have mentioned getting counselling on his own and together but he said it wouldn't help. He told me I am the only one who can help him but I just can't do it anymore - it is too much work with little or no reward.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kaileyb (104 days ago)

It's unfair, selfish and irresponsible for him to put all that pressure on you by saying "you're the only one who can help him". No one can help him if he won't help himself. You are not responsible for his happiness. It might be an idea for you to see a councillor on your own, to work out how you feel and what your next step should be. Perhaps once you start going, he might come round to the idea. Otherwise, hopefully, you'll get a clearer perspective on your situation and what you can do about it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (104 days ago)

Fed-up,

Assuming that everything was okay (which it obviously isn't), how long would you plan to stay in Hong Kong?

Hong Kong can be a really tough place for families, usually the bread-winner is under a lot of work pressure. I remember quite a few years ago a good friend of mine was on the verge of ending his marriage (for different reasons - he had become infatuated with another woman) - I encouraged him to try again. He did, and they are still happily married a long time later.

If you break the marriage, it cannot be put back together again. So, apart from counselling, are you likely to move back to your home country soon? Living in a less hostile environment might be better in terms of getting help, from friends and maybe family, if not counsellors.

I wish you well. You obviously care for your spouse, he obviously needs you. I hope you can work out some solutions that help you stay together as a family unit.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (104 days ago)

It is evident from your post (not just from the name you've chosen for it!) that you're hardly in the marriage.

From my experience, even with a young child (or especially with one), you should not just stick in a loveless/passionless and miserable marriage, because being in one will affect the child much more adversely than not being in a marriage at all.

First and foremost thing in life is your own happiness. Only then can you make others around you happy. And children especially are rather sensitive and perceptive to their parents' unhappiness.

Since you write you've been in this miserable situation for a long time, I think it is time for you take a decision. And even moreso when your husband is not even willing to try to improve the relationship.

Ending a marriage is not end of life. We all think that way when we are in one. I personally discovered I could be happier on my own, and developed a lot more hobbies, and spend more time with myself than I did while I was in a marriage. And I even spend more quality time with my son!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (103 days ago)

Do not give up without one more try.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fed_up (103 days ago)

Thank you all very much for your responses, your advice has been very helpful.

I have decided to give it one more try. I do love my husband and do not want to leave but I know that I deserve to be happy. We are going to discuss the situation this weekend and work out where to go from here. I have told my husband that we need to get some counselling if we want to improve our relationship.

Also for our daughter's sake I do not want to leave my husband but I know if things don't improve it would be better to end it.

Thanks again!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (103 days ago)

I really, really, wish you all the best. I did not get married until late in life, and looking back, spent many years alone when I should have been in a good relationship.

A good relationship is the best thing that can happen in our lives. It sounds to me as though your relationship must have some good things in it, sometimes a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

I do not trust people who advise others to walk away from a relationship. The things that brought you together are still there, you just need to find them all again, maybe polish them up a bit, and find ways to celebrate the good aspects of your lives together.

Keep your chin up, count your blessings, and remember that things could be worse........but will get better if you both work harder.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (103 days ago)

Hey woods99, it isn't as if I am advising her to walk away! By all means not. So your attack about "not trusting" holds no ground.

By what she has written about her misery and the fact that the husband is not willing to try, I said it is better to be happy alone than be miserable in a marriage. That I definitely stand by.

Well, now that he is willing to try, and she is too, I think that is great! It is definitely best if all can be HAPPY in the marriage! A GOOD and fulfilling relationship definitely defines one's life!

Also I will add -- you do not leave a marriage hoping for those two birds in the bush! That is a wrong way of thinking. It is for yourself not for anyone or anything else! Sometimes even when you still have things that were good to begin with, they may not be enough to keep you together. Especially if you marry young, you change and so do your needs.... Actually marrying late in that respect is sometimes better -- you know yourself better and also what you want in life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by p.mason (103 days ago)

My heart goes out to you having been in the same position but where my ex wife refused to take part in any more counselling after the first session when she realised that it was her behaviour as well as mine that was under scrutiny. No amount of persuasion could move her. For my part, I found the counselling invaluable -- it made me realise that I was clearly banging my head against a brick wall and the only way to stop the pain was to stop banging it since the wall clearly would not move.

In the event, I left my ex and we are now divorced, but it is with everlasting regret that she was not willing to make the same effort as me.

I cannot stress too much the importance of both of you going to regular counselling (sometimes it might be together, sometimes separately). There is something comforting about being able to talk to a stranger who will listen non-judgementally and help you both explore your fears, concerns and emotions and provide you with tools to restore your relationship and maintain it in a healthy state.

As importantly, it is easier for a stranger to help us accept "home truths" about ourselves. It is always so much more difficult to accept even justifiable criticism from one's partner.

I believe that counselling is especially important for men since we do tend to disappear into our caves, suppress emotion and run for our lives when our partner says something like: "I think we should talk". (Girls -- you have no idea how much fear that strikes into our hearts. So many of us rarely feel the need to talk since we proceed on the basis of: "if it ain't broke, don't fix it").

I would also recommend "co-listening" - a practice whereby you regularly sit down to talk to and listen to each other. It is not intended as a "discussion". Rather, you each have five minutes to say calmly what you want to say. The other party listens without interruption, without showing any facial expression or other body language and in a genuine spirit of wanting to hear what is being said.

This technique makes it all the easier, where it is the right thing to do, for one party to say: " I am so sorry, I didn't realise that what I said/did made you feel like that. I did not intend it/won't do it again." (or whatever).

It doesn't have to be a "moaning" session either -- isn't it so nice just for your partner to appreciate you and say "thanks so much, I know I have been under much pressure at work and I do appreciate your support. It was so nice when you did....."?

Co-listening is great for "repair work" and helps avoid resentment being piled up upon resentment.

So, good luck to you both.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (103 days ago)

Great advice p.mason. Yes, it is hard to hear things we don't want to listen to, or face criticism. Women often complain men won't listen to them, or share but often don't like what they hear back. Men need skills and a safe situation to air their feelings, and thoughts. Counselling can work when people are prepared to really hear the other person without rushing to defences.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (103 days ago)

p.mason - your wife was a fool not to take that opportunity. It's hard to live with regrets. Sad for you that you took the chance, but that she couldn't grow. But at least you know you tried.

Keep trying fed-up. But you need to bring someone else into the situation. He sounds like he does love you, but feels he can't change. We all can change at least to some extent, especially when we know that we have to, and if we know we have support when we slip at times back into old patterns.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fed_up (103 days ago)

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and advice. You have all been a great help and have said exactly what I need and want to hear. It is so nice to have people to listen to my problems and offer helpful advice.

p.mason thank you for the co-listening suggestion it sounds like a great technique. I will definitely have to sit down with my husband and give it a go.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (102 days ago)

That's wonderful. Love is worth fighting for. It is so rare when it happens. Don't throw it all way. Kindness softens all hearts.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by By Ron (100 days ago)

Forget counselling, very few men would want someone else rummaging around in their personal business. They wouldn't take the advice anyway. Stick together for the sake of the child and discreetly look elsewhere for your other needs.

(I am based in Hong Kong)