Cheating Friend

Posted by Cristal (348 days ago)

I have a married friend who recently started a fling with a married man. I say fling because she claims that they are not having sex yet. My friend has 2 kids, both still very young. Any advice on what I should do or say to open her eyes?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by Peggie Wong (347 days ago)

Tell her not to play with fire - can she afford to lose all if she's not serious about that guy, especially with a MARRIED MAN!!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ceeh (347 days ago)

Ask your friend how she would feel if she discovered her husband was having a 'fling' with another woman. Pretty devastated I would think.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Jalous Uranus (347 days ago)

It seems she's not that "happily" married if she's having a fling. Let her sort herself out. If she's still young, there's still time for her to make changes to allow her to be happy.

But then again, perhaps she's the type who'll never be happy with the present person, if you know what i mean.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Peet (346 days ago)

Asking her to consider her own feelings if she found out that her husband was having an affair may not be all that effective at this point. She must be at a point where her feelings for her husband have diminished quite a bit (or she wishes to purposely hurt him) and so it may be difficult for her to understand the consequences of her actions. She may still have feelings for her children, however. She might want to consider how her actions will effect THEM and THEIR future. If she could see the probable outcome of her actions (destroying not only her own marriage but also the marriage of her "lover", and the effects that this will have on the emotional health of her children), it might help her to think twice.....but she is also probably too infatuated to understand how ugly things can, and likely will, get in the future. Perhaps some counseling would be appropriate, even if her husband is not involved. That's a difficult situation you are in!

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by jwm (346 days ago)

Apparently since my last post was deleted, I cannot give the advise I think, which is, not to say anything, as it is her business and really not anyone elses business.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Kiwie (335 days ago)

The grass is NEVER greener on the other side!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (335 days ago)

A lot of married people have friendships where feelings get invovled, it does not always lead to sex. As a freined I would do as suggested above, ask to think about if a fling is worth the risk throwing away what she has at present.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by T Bone (335 days ago)

She has to divorce first.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Bean San (335 days ago)

Hi Crystal,

If you are the so-called "Friend", I suggest you wake up and stop playing with fire.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by easygoing (335 days ago)

If your friend trust you and tell you this secret, you can tell her your honest feeling about it, you dont have to agree with her. If you speak from your heart I think she would appreciate.

Just beware that she is not asking you to be a judge ....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (329 days ago)

Well... as someone who gets ZERO attention from men in Hong Kong, I can understand what would make a woman want to have a none sex involved fling with a guy who she's friends with. As long as it's just flirting and there's no kissing or touching or anything like that, where's the harm?

If she has two young children, she might just need someone to make her feel attractive. I'm not saying it's right or it's ok, but it's understandable. I think a lot of women probably do the same.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Robbie2007 (329 days ago)

She is an adult now and she should be capable of making her own decisions. If you feel obliged to give her a warning, do so but very carefully. If you want to save your friendship with her, just be sure that she won't be able to come back to you later and accuse you of not saying this and that to her.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Little Carmen (326 days ago)

I had a friend who did the same thing...'cept she was full on cheating on her husband by the time she told me. She was 35 at the time, 2 kids in ESF, lovely husband (albeit a bit square and boring) who supported her through every thing. Basically, her and I worked together and she used to go to JJ's in the Hyatt with her other married gal pals...they used to all snog guys there on their "girls night out" runs. I always thought it a bit messed up, but hey, whatever. At some point though maybe the booze and the attentionwhore in her got the better of her common sense and she kicked off an affair with some El Al security guy.

Eh, yeah, she was giggling and giddy telling me all about it. What did I do? Told her the gods honest truth, that she had two kids, a strong marriage, a caring and dedicated husband and if she felt that it was worth nothing and worth throwing away then by all means, she ought to do whatever she wants...Hell, she even got around to thinking she wanted to leave her kids and her husband! And I stood by my feelings...said the cheating option dude knew she was married with kids...he was also about 27. Considering his job and stuff, apparently he was fit and young and blah blah...so of course it was flattering to her. Not cool that he knew what he did and still kept messing with a married woman. At some point, after weeks of me saying the same thing over and over...saying "Think about what you are risking for a bit of nothingness" she came to her senses. I made sure to remind her about how good a man her husband was even if he was a nerd, I guess my then friend was just a bit of a social climber and maybe married him to get out of her lousy life, who knows...thing is, its her life. I can only say what I know because I had met her husband and he seemed like a good man. We never know what someones life is like behind closed doors, but hey...when kids are involved, its doubly worse. I just wanted my friend to think about what she is risking.

Maybe if you tell her your thoughts but arent too judgemental of her she will listen, but dont expect her to change overnight. Not all marriages are made in heaven, this whole thing will die a death at some point anyway, one way or the other. You dont need to feel guilty about her choices.

(I am based in Hong Kong)